I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I smell like Dick and happiness
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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