Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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