My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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