woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
