I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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