Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
