He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
