If i come over, it means nothing
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
