worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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