OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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