Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
