You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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