Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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