At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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