What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
