You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
