Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
