they need to just BURY HIM!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
