my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.