Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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