They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I got inside last night via doggy door
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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