well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
