I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
