I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
