come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
