So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
