i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
