i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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