I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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