good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
