Someone shit on the floor
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
