Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
