my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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