I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
