wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
