why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
someone owes me an orgasm
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
