I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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