i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
