I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
