My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
why is half of my head shaved?
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