I didn't shave. On purpose
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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