Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
