Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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