dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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