i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
