So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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