I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
