Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
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