Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
