My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
