the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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