we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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