The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
