Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
