I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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