I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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