Cold hands, warm shart.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
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That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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