Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
